How Not to Get a Guy in Ten Days

         So you say that you are tired of being single and are looking for a relationship with someone that will hold you, love you for who you are, call you "sweetie pie," and what other nonsense you would adore? But you think that the world is not ready for relationships that are built on the fast track. Wow…what a predicament you are in! Welcome to "How Not to get a Guy in Ten Days," taught by Catherine Sloper, Blanche DuBois, Stella Kowalski, and Eliza Doolittle.

Step Number One: Do not change yourself for the love of one man; change for yourself!

         Eliza Doolittle (Audrey Hepburn) showed us that quite plainly in My Fair Lady, directed in 1964 by George Cukor and based on George Bernard Shaw's 1913 Pygmalion, when she traded in her rough, in the streets life for the regality of balls and fine chocolates with Professor Higgins (Rex Harrison) and Colonel Pickering (Wilfred Hyde-White). She changed her whole persona to try to fit into their world of extravagance.

         She painstakingly went through hours of retraining herself to speak right, walk right, act right, and even talk about the right topics. Slowly her manners changed, and only towards the end did her eyes open to the fact that now that she was not herself and that she was not as happy as she thought she would be. She felt her efforts were all for naught until right when she went to walk out of Professor Higgins' life. Perhaps it was only the idea of her presence that made him want her, not how she dressed or how she spoke.

Step Number Two: Do not let your father chose the ones you love.

         Poor Catherine Sloper (Olivia DeHavilland) in The Heiress, directed in 1949 by William Wyler and based on Henry James's 1880 book, Washington Square, had no idea what she was going to get into when she turned the age where young women start to look for lifelong companions. Any time any young woman lets her father have a say in whom she dates or wants to marry, it is a horrible idea. Things get planted into fathers' minds, like that of Dr. Sloper (Ralph Richardson,) that make them think any guy, like Morris Townsend (Montgomery Clift), is after their little girl. Therefore, there is never anyone good enough for their daughters to marry.

         Instead, wait until you know absolutely for sure that this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with until you introduce him to your father. Some wait even until after the engagement is announced. By then, you are sure that your love is for each other, and not the other's worth, which could be a silly idea plotted in someone's head.

Step Number Three: If his arms are bigger than your head, you had better stay out of the way of his fists!

         Stella Kowalski ( Kim Hunter) has a thing for stacked, ripped men like Stanley (Marlon Brando) in A Streetcar Named Desire, directed in 1951 by Elia Kazan and based on Tennessee Williams' 1947 play. The only thing that was not too attractive was his attitude at times. Never choose a man with a hot temper, especially when he drinks. Stella always looked past the broken light bulbs and mirrors to the wild nights of making up. That kind of relationship has a lot of ups, but more downs that could be dangerous.

         So basically, if you want to get a guy, do not listen to these gals--Eliza, Catherine, and Stella. They have gone for it all wrong and wound up hurt physically and/or emotionally.

Megan Arszman

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